Tuesday, December 13, 2011
My New Possible Plan for the Future?
So, lately I've been thinking. School has become really difficult for me and it's become a really bad stress, so I've been thinking about dropping out and getting my GED and moving in with my friend Kenya. She's already talked to her mom about it and her mom said that I could live with her, and I already have a job and I can talk to my manger about getting more hours and helping Kenya's mom pay the rent and things like that. Maybe even I could get my car back because I think it's written in my name and I could pay to get it fixed and help pay for the insurance and I could just work at Albertsons until I'm 18, then get promoted and become a cashier there so I can get even more hours and get more money, and then I could get myself onto my feet and go to college after I raise up the money. It's just my parents have been putting a lot of stress on me about school and I have no real motivation to be here, because I don't see the point in getting a piece of paper that tells me how "smart" I am and that's how I'm qualified to work at a certain place. So I would be perfectly fine living with Kenya and working up enough money to go back to school and do all that, and I think I'm perfectly fine taking care of it myself. Right now I'm talking to my aunt that I really trust about it and what she thinks I should do. So, we'll see what happens.
Friday, December 9, 2011
My life over the past month.
I've had a very interesting experience over the last month. I'll start from the beginning.
I've had depression for four years ever since my parents split up. I've tried many different things to get over this, but I haven't found anything that has helped.
About two weeks ago, I got into my first car accident. It was very difficult for me, because I had already been feeling like a screw up and like nobody wanted me around. So this was a very hard experience for me. I went home that night, and I became extremely suicidal. I didn't think I would make it through the night, so I told my mother about this. She immediately took me to the hospital.
After spending about 5 hours getting evaluated by several different doctors, they admitted me to the hospital. They didn't have any open beds at Mountain Crest, so I stayed the night at PVH. I had to have someone in the room with me at all times, and they had to check my vitals every four hours and check in on me constantly. Around 4:30 that next day, I was moved to Mountain Crest.
They told me I was on a 72 hour hold, so I had to be there for three days for sure. It was a very interesting experience. I met some really nice people and I bonded with a lot of people there. It was definitely different though, you had to ask to use the bathroom, you were constantly monitered, we couldn't go outside, we weren't allowed to touch each other, there were a lot of really weird rules. But there's something that I took away from this experience that I will never forget.
I learned many things about myself. I learned that you can't make others feel anything. I learned that sometimes, you need to learn to ask for help when you need it. I learned that I have the choice to let other people's words affect me. I learned that I actually do matter to people, I just need to perceive things differently. I learned I have self esteem issues. I learned that spirituality and other coping skills can help when I'm feeling depressed.
Inside of Mountain Crest, I learned all these things and met so many different types of people. I met a schizophrenic. I met a meth addict. My room mate was a drunk. I met another girl just like me. I met a pill popper. I met so many different types of people, and I will never forget any of these people.
This experience was such a moving experience for me. I'm now on Cellexa, which is an anti-depressant, and I'm working on my self-esteem issues and other issues that I've been dealing with for years. I spent 6 days at Mountain Crest, and those 6 days have completely changed 4 years of suffering.
I've had depression for four years ever since my parents split up. I've tried many different things to get over this, but I haven't found anything that has helped.
About two weeks ago, I got into my first car accident. It was very difficult for me, because I had already been feeling like a screw up and like nobody wanted me around. So this was a very hard experience for me. I went home that night, and I became extremely suicidal. I didn't think I would make it through the night, so I told my mother about this. She immediately took me to the hospital.
After spending about 5 hours getting evaluated by several different doctors, they admitted me to the hospital. They didn't have any open beds at Mountain Crest, so I stayed the night at PVH. I had to have someone in the room with me at all times, and they had to check my vitals every four hours and check in on me constantly. Around 4:30 that next day, I was moved to Mountain Crest.
They told me I was on a 72 hour hold, so I had to be there for three days for sure. It was a very interesting experience. I met some really nice people and I bonded with a lot of people there. It was definitely different though, you had to ask to use the bathroom, you were constantly monitered, we couldn't go outside, we weren't allowed to touch each other, there were a lot of really weird rules. But there's something that I took away from this experience that I will never forget.
I learned many things about myself. I learned that you can't make others feel anything. I learned that sometimes, you need to learn to ask for help when you need it. I learned that I have the choice to let other people's words affect me. I learned that I actually do matter to people, I just need to perceive things differently. I learned I have self esteem issues. I learned that spirituality and other coping skills can help when I'm feeling depressed.
Inside of Mountain Crest, I learned all these things and met so many different types of people. I met a schizophrenic. I met a meth addict. My room mate was a drunk. I met another girl just like me. I met a pill popper. I met so many different types of people, and I will never forget any of these people.
This experience was such a moving experience for me. I'm now on Cellexa, which is an anti-depressant, and I'm working on my self-esteem issues and other issues that I've been dealing with for years. I spent 6 days at Mountain Crest, and those 6 days have completely changed 4 years of suffering.
Monday, October 17, 2011
My Coming Out Experience
My coming out experience is probably different than a majority of LBGT kids.
I came out to my mom in seventh grade and I told her that I was bisexual.
She was completely okay with it, and proceeded to tell my dad about me. He took a little while, but he eventually got over it and now we can talk about my girlfriends, and even just hot girls we see on the street.
I told my friends, and nobody has ever left me because of it and I'm involved at the GSA at school and at Lambda, the towns GSA.
The worst I've ever gotten for being gay is probably dirty looks from a girl I liked in my Algebra class Freshman year, but I've never gotten much crap for it.
I've heard people be like "oh, have you heard about that Jessica girl? She's a lesbian!" and my friends have immediately stepped in and been like "she's one of my best friends. Got anything else to say?" and they shut up. The fact that I have quite a few friends has been helpful in this situation, no doubt.
But although I've had a really good experience being a lesbian and I love every second of every day checking out hot girls, I know there are people who get bullied all day every day because of it. And my only advice to them is that it gets better. After high school, those people won't be there anymore. You'll never see them again, and they'll probably never say your name again [unless they're saying "oh, sorry boss" :)]. I know things are hard now and it's tough to pull through the next couple years of being bullied, but things really do get better, and you'll eventually meet a partner and fall in love and get married if you'd like. Things really do get better. <3
I came out to my mom in seventh grade and I told her that I was bisexual.
She was completely okay with it, and proceeded to tell my dad about me. He took a little while, but he eventually got over it and now we can talk about my girlfriends, and even just hot girls we see on the street.
I told my friends, and nobody has ever left me because of it and I'm involved at the GSA at school and at Lambda, the towns GSA.
The worst I've ever gotten for being gay is probably dirty looks from a girl I liked in my Algebra class Freshman year, but I've never gotten much crap for it.
I've heard people be like "oh, have you heard about that Jessica girl? She's a lesbian!" and my friends have immediately stepped in and been like "she's one of my best friends. Got anything else to say?" and they shut up. The fact that I have quite a few friends has been helpful in this situation, no doubt.
But although I've had a really good experience being a lesbian and I love every second of every day checking out hot girls, I know there are people who get bullied all day every day because of it. And my only advice to them is that it gets better. After high school, those people won't be there anymore. You'll never see them again, and they'll probably never say your name again [unless they're saying "oh, sorry boss" :)]. I know things are hard now and it's tough to pull through the next couple years of being bullied, but things really do get better, and you'll eventually meet a partner and fall in love and get married if you'd like. Things really do get better. <3
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Coming to realize what I truly feel.
This won't be a poem, it'll be a story. It's not the happiest story, but it's how I came to found out what I feel about people and how I learned that I need to stop shoving my emotions down.
In freshman year, I dated a girl. We dated twice for about a month and a half each time. And I ended up falling in love with her. We ended up breaking up, and we had a really bad breakup and weren't friends all of my sophomore year.
During my sophomore year, that girl became transgender, obviously female to male. So, my ex girlfriend was then my ex "boyfriend". So from here on out, that ex will be the only "he" in this story.
During my sophomore year, he told me that he hated me. That basically pushed me to "get over him", when all I really did was take those emotions and feelings I had for him and put them in a little box inside me. So I thought I was over him.
On November 1st, 2010, this girl, Shelly, asked me out. I said yes, and we ended up dating for three months. I fell madly head-over-heels in love with her. We ended up breaking up, and we also had a really bad break up.
She also told me she hated me. She said I was a clingy, worthless b****. She said what we had wasn't real, it was just puppy love, and it meant nothing to her. That hurt me like nothing has ever hurt me before. So, I tried to put those feelings for her in a box. But it didn't work, the box was already full.
On July 26, 2011, I started dating this other girl named Tiffany in an attempt to get over Shelly. Obviously, it didn't work. Tiffany and I broke up mainly because I couldn't handle her being in Florida and me being in Colorado, but a large reason was that I had all these feelings for other people.
A couple weeks ago, I broke down and that box I mentioned earlier opened. All my feelings for Shelly, my ex boyfriend, Tiffany, and a lot of other emotions came out. After I opened that box, it never shut. And my feelings for my ex boyfriend were overwhelming me.
I hadn't realized it until now, but I never got over him. I've been in love with him ever since October 23rd, 2009. And I don't know if I'll ever get over him, or if we'll ever get back together, but this was a huge push forward in my life. I realized I needed to start paying attention to my internal emotions and throw away that box I always put my feelings in.
And that's my story... So I'm waiting to see what happens with me and him... I don't know yet. But yeah, that's my story. ♥
In freshman year, I dated a girl. We dated twice for about a month and a half each time. And I ended up falling in love with her. We ended up breaking up, and we had a really bad breakup and weren't friends all of my sophomore year.
During my sophomore year, that girl became transgender, obviously female to male. So, my ex girlfriend was then my ex "boyfriend". So from here on out, that ex will be the only "he" in this story.
During my sophomore year, he told me that he hated me. That basically pushed me to "get over him", when all I really did was take those emotions and feelings I had for him and put them in a little box inside me. So I thought I was over him.
On November 1st, 2010, this girl, Shelly, asked me out. I said yes, and we ended up dating for three months. I fell madly head-over-heels in love with her. We ended up breaking up, and we also had a really bad break up.
She also told me she hated me. She said I was a clingy, worthless b****. She said what we had wasn't real, it was just puppy love, and it meant nothing to her. That hurt me like nothing has ever hurt me before. So, I tried to put those feelings for her in a box. But it didn't work, the box was already full.
On July 26, 2011, I started dating this other girl named Tiffany in an attempt to get over Shelly. Obviously, it didn't work. Tiffany and I broke up mainly because I couldn't handle her being in Florida and me being in Colorado, but a large reason was that I had all these feelings for other people.
A couple weeks ago, I broke down and that box I mentioned earlier opened. All my feelings for Shelly, my ex boyfriend, Tiffany, and a lot of other emotions came out. After I opened that box, it never shut. And my feelings for my ex boyfriend were overwhelming me.
I hadn't realized it until now, but I never got over him. I've been in love with him ever since October 23rd, 2009. And I don't know if I'll ever get over him, or if we'll ever get back together, but this was a huge push forward in my life. I realized I needed to start paying attention to my internal emotions and throw away that box I always put my feelings in.
And that's my story... So I'm waiting to see what happens with me and him... I don't know yet. But yeah, that's my story. ♥
Thursday, September 29, 2011
She Leaves Me Speechless
She leaves me speechless,
Her voice leaves me breathless.
Her eyes make my heart race,
Her kisses make me feel like I was hit by lightening.
Her laugh brings a smile to my face,
Her smile makes the butetrflies in my tummy stir.
She makes me feel as though I have wings,
And am no longer stuck under my dark cloud.
I'd do anything to be hers, because
She leaves me speechless.
Her voice leaves me breathless.
Her eyes make my heart race,
Her kisses make me feel like I was hit by lightening.
Her laugh brings a smile to my face,
Her smile makes the butetrflies in my tummy stir.
She makes me feel as though I have wings,
And am no longer stuck under my dark cloud.
I'd do anything to be hers, because
She leaves me speechless.
I've Fallen
I've fallen,
Head over hels.
I've fallen,
For the most amazing girl ever.
I've fallen,
For someone who does love me back.
I've fallen,
For someone who makes me feel like never before.
I've fallen,
For someone who can't stop me from smiling.
I've fallen,
For someone so unique.
I've fallen,
For a girl named Sam.
Head over hels.
I've fallen,
For the most amazing girl ever.
I've fallen,
For someone who does love me back.
I've fallen,
For someone who makes me feel like never before.
I've fallen,
For someone who can't stop me from smiling.
I've fallen,
For someone so unique.
I've fallen,
For a girl named Sam.
I Promise
I want to feel that pain,
From the razor blade.
I want to feel that blood fall down,
Like acid rain.
It's been 7 months,
And I just can't take it.
Let em cut my skin deep,
And let my adrenaline flow.
Nails just won't cut it,
Give me back my razor blade.
A cut here,
A cut there,
It'll heal.
Just give me back my drug,
And I'll be myself again.
I won't do it too much,
I promise...
From the razor blade.
I want to feel that blood fall down,
Like acid rain.
It's been 7 months,
And I just can't take it.
Let em cut my skin deep,
And let my adrenaline flow.
Nails just won't cut it,
Give me back my razor blade.
A cut here,
A cut there,
It'll heal.
Just give me back my drug,
And I'll be myself again.
I won't do it too much,
I promise...
My Day
I'll bring that blade down,
And make myself fall to teh ground.
Reopening new scars,
I'll be gone within a few hours.
Possibly splitting a vein,
I'm addicted to this pain.
My family will wonder "why?
Why didn't she say goodbye?"
I just no longer care,
With blood now flowing from my tear.
And now with this knife,
I'll end my life.
"She's gone", they'll say.
Today was my day,
And I chose it.
And make myself fall to teh ground.
Reopening new scars,
I'll be gone within a few hours.
Possibly splitting a vein,
I'm addicted to this pain.
My family will wonder "why?
Why didn't she say goodbye?"
I just no longer care,
With blood now flowing from my tear.
And now with this knife,
I'll end my life.
"She's gone", they'll say.
Today was my day,
And I chose it.
Can't You See?
I'm shaking,
I'm losing control.
I want you,
I need you.
You make me dizzy,
But in such a good way.
Can't you see,
I can't get over you.
I've tried,
But still,
Everytime I see your face...
I lose breath,
And my heart skips a beat.
I need you...
Can't you see?
I love you...
Can't you see?
I'm losing control.
I want you,
I need you.
You make me dizzy,
But in such a good way.
Can't you see,
I can't get over you.
I've tried,
But still,
Everytime I see your face...
I lose breath,
And my heart skips a beat.
I need you...
Can't you see?
I love you...
Can't you see?
Not Yet
We're so much alike,
It's insane.
She's so sweet,
And can make me smile.
She's a close friend already,
And she's truly amazing.
I wonder if she'll fall for me,
And if we'll take a chance together.
I'm not quite sure if I've fallen,
I have a feeling I will,
But I'll just let time take it's course.
I haven't fallen in love with her,
Not yet.
It's insane.
She's so sweet,
And can make me smile.
She's a close friend already,
And she's truly amazing.
I wonder if she'll fall for me,
And if we'll take a chance together.
I'm not quite sure if I've fallen,
I have a feeling I will,
But I'll just let time take it's course.
I haven't fallen in love with her,
Not yet.
You'd Be Lucky
I'm unique,
You're not.
I'm different.
You're the same as the others.
Maybe you can find another like me,
But there's a million like you.
And I promise you, honey,
I"ll meet someone true and genuine.
You'd be lucky to meet someone
Worth your time.
You'd be lucky
To have someone like me.
But,
You broke it off,
So there's only you to blame.
If you meet anyone at all,
You'd be damn lucky.
You're not.
I'm different.
You're the same as the others.
Maybe you can find another like me,
But there's a million like you.
And I promise you, honey,
I"ll meet someone true and genuine.
You'd be lucky to meet someone
Worth your time.
You'd be lucky
To have someone like me.
But,
You broke it off,
So there's only you to blame.
If you meet anyone at all,
You'd be damn lucky.
I Don't Give a Fuck
I'll take this knife,
And press it down,
And split a vein or two.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm tired of all your shit,
And don't worry,
You finally hurt me like you wanted.
Brag about it,
I don't give a fuck.
Let my blood cover up my writing,
All about you.
And don't worry,
This last one is easy to read,
Written in my blood.
Don't believe me?
Well fuck you.
I realy did it.
And as for you think...
I don't give a fuck!
And press it down,
And split a vein or two.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm tired of all your shit,
And don't worry,
You finally hurt me like you wanted.
Brag about it,
I don't give a fuck.
Let my blood cover up my writing,
All about you.
And don't worry,
This last one is easy to read,
Written in my blood.
Don't believe me?
Well fuck you.
I realy did it.
And as for you think...
I don't give a fuck!
I Still Love You
My head is swimming,
And I can't get you off my mind.
Why is this?
You hate me.
You love someone else.
I'm nothing to you.
I treated you so well I thought,
What happened?
Why did we fight?
I sometimes wonder,
Do you ever miss me,
Like I miss you?
I would tell you how I feel,
If I could.
If you happen to stumble across this page,
And read this,
Realizing it's about you...
Just so you know...
I still love you.
And I can't get you off my mind.
Why is this?
You hate me.
You love someone else.
I'm nothing to you.
I treated you so well I thought,
What happened?
Why did we fight?
I sometimes wonder,
Do you ever miss me,
Like I miss you?
I would tell you how I feel,
If I could.
If you happen to stumble across this page,
And read this,
Realizing it's about you...
Just so you know...
I still love you.
Just a Little More
I feel I've lost my heart,
It's taking me.
It's taking control.
I can't stop it.
The longing for pain,
The lust for death,
The hatred for the world.
the blade,
It feels so good,
Dragging itself across my wrist.
The heat of the red,
Feels soothing to
My cold skin.
I tell myself,
"Just a little more..."
Pressing deeper,
My vision blurs.
Passed out,
Heart slowing,
Bleeding more and more.
All it took, was
Just a little more.
It's taking me.
It's taking control.
I can't stop it.
The longing for pain,
The lust for death,
The hatred for the world.
the blade,
It feels so good,
Dragging itself across my wrist.
The heat of the red,
Feels soothing to
My cold skin.
I tell myself,
"Just a little more..."
Pressing deeper,
My vision blurs.
Passed out,
Heart slowing,
Bleeding more and more.
All it took, was
Just a little more.
Darkness
It eats away at me,
Consuming my hope,
My thoughts,
My mind.
I've lost my heart to it,
And ti tells em to do things,
I know I don't want to.
But the darkness
Takes over,
I can't control it.
The knife running across my stomach,
The darkness telsl me I want more.
It presses the blade down harder,
Blood falling to the ground.
It tells me it feels good.
It cuts an X on my chest.
As I lay on the ground,
Blood stained,
I know I've been
Consumed by the darkness.
Consuming my hope,
My thoughts,
My mind.
I've lost my heart to it,
And ti tells em to do things,
I know I don't want to.
But the darkness
Takes over,
I can't control it.
The knife running across my stomach,
The darkness telsl me I want more.
It presses the blade down harder,
Blood falling to the ground.
It tells me it feels good.
It cuts an X on my chest.
As I lay on the ground,
Blood stained,
I know I've been
Consumed by the darkness.
Your Fault
I'm broken,
I'm beyond repair.
It's all your fault,
And I'll be sure you know that.
I leave all my hate to you,
All my love to everyone, and anyone else.
I'll take the gun,
And pull the trigger.
Surrounded by a pool of blood,
Maybe you'll finally realize,
I'm not a liar.
Let teh darkness come take me away,
I'll look up at you from down there,
And laugh at your pain.
Just so you know,
This is all
Your fault.
I'm beyond repair.
It's all your fault,
And I'll be sure you know that.
I leave all my hate to you,
All my love to everyone, and anyone else.
I'll take the gun,
And pull the trigger.
Surrounded by a pool of blood,
Maybe you'll finally realize,
I'm not a liar.
Let teh darkness come take me away,
I'll look up at you from down there,
And laugh at your pain.
Just so you know,
This is all
Your fault.
Let's Just Try
This feeling is crazy,
But I love it.
I would do anything to be with you,
I've never felt like this.
I know if you just give me a chance,
You'll fall for me,
Like I have for you.
Come on, baby,
I'm not afraid of forever.
I'll do anything you want,
I'll be perfect for you.
If it doesn't work out,
I'll be fine.
At least we tried.
Baby,
Please,
Let's just try.
But I love it.
I would do anything to be with you,
I've never felt like this.
I know if you just give me a chance,
You'll fall for me,
Like I have for you.
Come on, baby,
I'm not afraid of forever.
I'll do anything you want,
I'll be perfect for you.
If it doesn't work out,
I'll be fine.
At least we tried.
Baby,
Please,
Let's just try.
The Demon
The darkness inside,
It's consuming me.
All the hate, pain, anger.
I try to fight it,
But this demon won't let go.
Pulling me farther from the light.
Now with the scars on my arm,
The holes in the wall,
And the blade in my hand,
I know I'm no longer myself.
The blade runs down my chest,
Causing small cuts,
For more demons to enter.
The demon has full control now,
Pushing the blade down harder.
The light is slowly coming into vision,
So close, yet so far.
But I know,
The demon
Will drag me down with him.
It's consuming me.
All the hate, pain, anger.
I try to fight it,
But this demon won't let go.
Pulling me farther from the light.
Now with the scars on my arm,
The holes in the wall,
And the blade in my hand,
I know I'm no longer myself.
The blade runs down my chest,
Causing small cuts,
For more demons to enter.
The demon has full control now,
Pushing the blade down harder.
The light is slowly coming into vision,
So close, yet so far.
But I know,
The demon
Will drag me down with him.
How Does it Feel?
My blood is boiling,
I reach for the knife.
I have a choice,
You, or me.
I run the knife across my fingers,
The cool blade is so tempting.
Perssing the blade down slightly harder,
A small cut appears.
Drops of blood trickle down my hand,
I want more.
The blade runs up to my arm,
Now with a mind of its own.
Cutting the skin,
More blood emerges.
Adrenaline flows through me.
As I set the blade down,
I feel better now.
With your name permanently on my wrist,
To remind you of the pain you caused me.
How does it feel,
Knowing you caused this?
Tell me,
How does it feel?
I reach for the knife.
I have a choice,
You, or me.
I run the knife across my fingers,
The cool blade is so tempting.
Perssing the blade down slightly harder,
A small cut appears.
Drops of blood trickle down my hand,
I want more.
The blade runs up to my arm,
Now with a mind of its own.
Cutting the skin,
More blood emerges.
Adrenaline flows through me.
As I set the blade down,
I feel better now.
With your name permanently on my wrist,
To remind you of the pain you caused me.
How does it feel,
Knowing you caused this?
Tell me,
How does it feel?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)